There are times where, even now, I still have to pinch myself when I think that I am working for myself. I spent the last six years writing posts, taking photographs and making videos and putting them on the internet. And honestly? I never really had a big end goal in mind. Of course it crossed my mind in the last year that this was a possibility. But prior to that I just really enjoyed it. And that was the extent of it.
The only part of this new life that is taking some adjustment is the ever-present quest for The Balance. That work-life balance that we spend most of our existence trying to find. Like some sort of heavenly mecca. When really, I don’t quite think it exists. Not in the enlightening way that we think it does at least. I think it exists day-by-day. Because none of us have that ability to predict the future. That is, unless you are one of the X-Men, in which case you are a lucky sod indeed.
For me, The Balance exists in setting myself some boundaries. I am learning to say no. I am being more selective about what I say yes to, both in suitability, morals, and whether it’s worth the pennies. And the main thing, is keeping the two parts of the balance as separate as I can. Which is an ironic task at the best of the time when my job is writing about, snapping, or filming my life and putting it online.
But Fridays, for me, are not for work. As busy as I might be that week, I give myself Friday so I can calm down, and prepare for the weekend. When my family all regroup on Friday evening, I want the house to be tidy, warm, and lit by candles. I want a nice meal prepped for me and Mark, and a bit of a treat meal for the kids. I want jammies laid out. And I want a rough idea of a film we might watch when the children are sleeping.
Sometimes, I end up screwing my face up in the middle of the kitchen, hastily pouring myself a glass of Bacardi and Diet Coke and clock-watching for Mark’s return, because it’s all gone horribly wrong. But most of the time it works. Because I give myself the time to get it done.
The reason I do this is because, when I worked full-time, away from home, I would arrive home on a Friday night and I would be hit by the enormity of all of the things I needed to do in two days (along with the stench of the bin that we forgot to put out as well).
So I always said to myself that I would take that stress away from Mark, and me too.
I also want a day that is devoted to be a mother, for the most part at least. Daisy naps and I sort the house out, or make a mental shopping list in my head. And then when she wakes, we play. We laugh. She dribbles on me a lot. And I just make the most of her.
She is really turning into the most wonderful little girl. She is leaving me shocked and spellbound every day. When she points and grunts at something she’d like. Or she gives me a kiss when I please her. The gurning grin that comes with those two bottom teeth. And the quick spin around she does when I tell her off for doing something she shouldn’t be, all with a wicked smile that is as infectious as it is naughty.
She is my second baby, and has never had that devotion that her big brother got. Because back then my world existed in one tiny person, and then, over the last few years, it has grown twice more. Once in Mark. And once in our daughter. So I am trying.
I’d like to write a post about her big brother soon. I find that I am missing capturing him so much these days. I am mindful of school emblems on sweatshirts. And I am missing the days of long sunshine which meant that capturing him could go on long after 4:00pm. But I am also trying to be mindful of him and his privacy and wants and needs too. I feel like sometimes my life online is so very full of Daisy, when actually my heart is so very full of them both.
He is with his dad tonight as I write this. It hurts me, as it always does, but I am better at self-preservation as time goes on. Daisy has been asleep for about fifteen minutes and I am curled up on the kitchen sofa, with it’s new dusky pink and pale grey throw, while Mark cooks us a chicken curried rice dish, and listens to a podcast in the background. I’ve been in my pyjamas for most of the day, and my hair is still damp from when I showered just before Daisy work for her nap at lunch time.
T0day was just a lazy, Daisy day. I’m glad I got to spend it that way.