Blog Motherhood Recipes

Life, A Little Lately

I haven’t posted on here in so long that I feel like, now, every time I sit and I try and write, the words don’t come and I wonder if I’ve even anything to say. 
But I am going to try because, at some point, I need to find a way to recapture what I love, and make it mine again. 
So where to begin? Every time I write or say that I want to start with a line from the Sound of Music (I’m sure you know the one). 
Well, life has been a tumultuous and then mild, all at the same time. Bill is in school and doing really well. He hasn’t cried once and seems to take it in his stride. I’m enjoying the school run, weirdly. I like the fresh air and the way it pushes me to get out. I like the routine of it. Holding my little boy’s hand and wildly manoeuvring a buggy. I’m enjoying the book bag. I’m enjoying pulling out millions of pieces of paper every day – letters, notes, party invites. I’m adoring my part in teaching Bill how to read. And laughing every time a new book comes home and it features animals. We’re on book four and there’s no sign of that stopping just yet. 

We had parents’ evening – I almost forgot! His teacher reminds me of Miss Honey from Matilda. But with darker hair. She’s absolutely wonderful and so sweet and kind. And she’s just who you want your children to be around. She thanked us because Bill is such a pleasure to have in her class, confirmed that he’s left-handed, and also said he was one of the quieter ones. He actually really reminds me of Mark. Just in his ways. So very sociable with the people he knows, but takes a while to warm up. But when they do – they are just the best company to be around. It reminds me of that song “nobody knows it, but you’ve got a secret smile, and you use it only for me” – I feel like I almost get to unlock those men of mine – see a side not many see. And I feel very lucky for it. 
I am proud of Bill. So proud, you know? That sort of fluttery, stingy, my-heart-is-going to burst pride, that makes you want to start crying and simultaneously tank a glass of wine just to calm yourself. I have written about what I have been through this year. What Mark has been through. What Daisy has been through. But it’s easy to forget that Bill has been through a lot too. And I think that siblings in situations like ours, are often forgotten. 
He’s got the biggest heart you could imagine and I’ve yet to see a single bit of jealousy towards his sister. And he tries so hard to keep us all smiling and it’s not even his job. I’m sorry to go on – but he just means so much to me and I feel like I can’t tell him enough, so I thought I would tell you instead. And hopefully one day he might read this and know how adored he was. And is – even if you are a grumpy teenager when you read this, Bill. And you don’t hug me as much. 

My Daisy. Gosh – every week there is something new with her. We are coming up to six months since she was born now. It’s nine days away actually – 21st October 2016. And my daughter will have filled up half a year of my life. And I know that everyone says that it goes so fast. And it really does. But I still feel every one of my senses go back in time to those days in hospital, in just seconds. And I feel like, even though half a year has passed, I am still walking through my nightmares sometimes. 
But more of Daisy. Daisy is crazily affectionate, laid-back, charming, and does things completely her own way. She hugs and pulls you close. She has a thing for stroking cheeks and exploring faces, studying you carefully with those huge blue eyes. And you feel very lucky when she does. It’s beautiful. She’s very fond of being in the thick of things. She likes the social buzz. She likes to be around her pack. And I am very much the same. Daisy doesn’t like to be alone, and I don’t either. She is almost sitting now. Something that she started trying to do months ago, and then just paused for weeks and weeks. She’s very strong on her legs, but has only just decided that she’ll sit for short periods now. And I can’t describe how funny it is to see my tiny baby sitting – but then, if you are a parent, I don’t need to describe how it feels because you’ll already know, no doubt. 
I think, when you have children, you become all too aware of how short life really is. You baffle at where time went. And how you got here so fast. Growing my babies in my belly felt like an eternity. I felt like I waited forever and a day. But here we are and that part of my life has been put to bed until a  year or so down the line, if we are lucky to add a third and final baby to our family. 

Mark and I are doing really well. When you go through tough times, there’s an obvious strain on your relationship. And if you aren’t already weighted down with your struggles, you have another weight that is pushing and stretching the cord that holds you together, and you try so damn hard to grab hold of that cord and drag yourselves closer to each other, so that fingers may just strain and touch, until you can hold each other and try and make it together.

I don’t know really what I’m trying to say. But just, I know that he is meant for me. He’s everything I could have ever hoped for and I can just look at him and in one glance I feel like I know all I need to know and that I’m home.

As a family, we’ve been having some pretty slow days when we get the chance. We’ve not done anything big or adventurous. I suppose that’s another reason why I’ve struggled to write because I’m not sure anyone would want to know that we went to the park again, or walked around the village pool, feeding the ducks and holding hands.

But, this is what we needed. We spent a lot of time expecting our life to be this way. And it took a long time to get here. And really, adventures have been put on hold because we’ve been on a pretty big one, and sometimes all you want is the everyday ordinary because it’s comforting, like an old pair of pyjamas that you bring out every year, or the smell of the washing powder your mum uses, or the way hot buttered toast and a brew solves just about everything.

One day I would like to come back on here and tell you I’ve done something exciting. Or I’ve made a great recipe. Or that I’ve found the cure for cellulite.

But one of those is definitely not going to happen. And the others – I will get there.

One thing I worry about, and I don’t know if this may come across as strange, but part of me wants to move on now, from the harder times, but then the other part of me isn’t quite ready to shut the door on  all of that yet. There are things I would like to write, to purge myself, but also to help parents like me too. I want to move on, and I wonder if sometimes it is okay too? Should I be okay now? Should I still be coming to terms with what happened when I gave birth to my baby? Am I ungrateful? Am I pretending?

I just want to be myself, but, in all honesty – I’m not quite sure who myself is anymore.
  

I am trying to find myself again. I’ve been doing the strangest things. I’ve tried out all of my old hobbies to see if they are still natural to me. And if they still make me smile. Sometimes I’ll cook, sometimes I’ll sing to myself as I fold washing, sometimes I’ll take care over my makeup and select my clothes with a eye for detail, I’ve been picking up paintbrushes, revamping our house, clearing clutter, playing with cameras, taking photos, shooting film. And then I seem to find myself with many half-done jobs and projects wondering when on earth I’m going to finish them.

I’m also trying to feel like me again. Look like me again. I’d like to get a haircut. I’m trying to lose weight. I’m half a pound of a stone lost now, and that’s amazing. But I have another two to go.

And I have been poorly. I’ve had a cold, which was no real bother really, but I went out last week to an event with some other bloggers, and I felt so faint while I was there that I had to take a moment to sit in a toilet and catch my breath. As it faded, I felt fine, but the next day, I was hit with the start of a UTI, and I have spent the last week in agony. I went to the doctor’s and a sample was sent off to be tested and it has come back clear, and my symptoms are starting to fade, but I’m still not myself.

I’m not myself because I’ve been poorly mentally too. I have.

I don’t like saying that because I’m all too aware of how lucky I am. And it feels like that has to be a prerequisite for everything. I love my children. Daisy did not ruin my life and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, one day I will purposefully try and do it in a heartbeat as I have a 50% chance of my syndrome passing on to any baby I carry. The fact of whether or not I’m grateful is not even something to question.

But I have found the last six months incredibly hard.

I’ve watched many lives fly past me, from what feels like the sidelines. And, honestly, putting my world on the internet, amongst everyone else’s worlds, was just too hard. It was too grass is greener. It was too much. And I couldn’t differentiate between real life, or the parts we save for Instagram.

And I just felt lost. I’ve been flaky. I’ve been introverted. Distant. I’ve avoided situations. I’ve said “no” more times than I can count. I’ve cried. I’ve panicked. And I’ve felt anxious. I’ve compared myself to others constantly. I’ve been jealous. I’ve wanted to shout and stamp: “It’s not fair.”

And it hasn’t been fair. And I don’t want to worry anymore if I should be apologising for how I feel, or be more sensitive, or think of that “there are people far worse off that you” saying that everyone says. Because it’s torture. I know all of this. And I am the first one to mentally shake myself and tell myself to grow up and snap out of it.

But I am still here. I am still me. I just need to do what I need to do to keep myself happy at the moment. And that sometimes involves disappearing, hibernating, taking it slow, and avoiding the things that make me feel worse.

And if sometimes that means I have to let things go, and fall by the wayside. And I have to fall behind sometimes. Then I will do. Especially if I am sat here, like I am now, at twenty minutes past midnight trying to get the words right when I should be sleeping.

And that’s just it.

I’m slowly realising that, after living all of my life for tomorrow, I’ve forgotten how kind, beautiful, and simple today can be, if I slow down, stop worrying, and see what’s happening right now.

“There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today.” 

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    karenmarytaylor
    11th October 2016 at 11:59 pm

    Love this! A thousand sweet kisses, Mum x

  • Reply
    karenmarytaylor
    11th October 2016 at 11:59 pm

    Love this! A thousand sweet kisses, Mum x

  • Reply
    Stephanie Oakes
    12th October 2016 at 5:21 am

    What a gorgeous post. Let's get together soon please xx

  • Reply
    Katy F
    12th October 2016 at 5:37 am

    A lovely catch up. I can't believe Daisy is almost 6 months old! You are so right, 6 months of pregnancy drags but those 6 months out seem no time at all. William is already a month old and I can't believe it! Did laugh about the bookbag, I am exactly the same haha! xx

  • Reply
    The Sweetest Life
    12th October 2016 at 6:50 am

    Wow, 6 months? That is unreal. You really need to let yourself feel what you need to right now. You have all been through a lot, you don't need to question it, play it up or down sweetie. Huge hugs lovely x x x

  • Reply
    Mummascribbles
    12th October 2016 at 8:30 am

    I know that you struggled to get these words out but you did it and they are beautiful. This is such a lovely update and your family is so beautiful. You have been through an awful lot these past few months so I think that whatever feelings you have towards it are completely natural and you should just go with the flow. If you find one day that you want to write about it then do – and if you don't? Then just show us more pictures of your beautiful children. Sending you all lots of love xxx

  • Reply
    Mummascribbles
    12th October 2016 at 8:31 am

    I know that you struggled to get these words out but you did it and they are beautiful. This is such a lovely update and your family is so beautiful. You have been through an awful lot these past few months so I think that whatever feelings you have towards it are completely natural and you should just go with the flow. If you find one day that you want to write about it then do – and if you don't? Then just show us more pictures of your beautiful children. Sending you all lots of love xxx

  • Reply
    بنت النيل
    12th October 2016 at 9:29 am

    تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة وهى مؤسسة ذات مسئولية متخصصة فى مجال شركة تنظيف الخزانات بالمدينة المنورة مع التعقيم. تقوم بعملية شركة تنظيف للخزانات العلويه بالمدينة المنورة ونقوم بعملية تنظيف الخزانات الارضيه بالمدينة المنورة . لدينا
    تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة
    الكثير من الطرق لتنظيف الخزانات منها طرق يدويه وطرق ميكانيكيه تنظيف الخزانات بالمدينة المنورة يدويه حيث يقوم العامل بالنزول الى الخزانات ويقوم بتنظيفه جيدا اما الطريقه الميكانيكه عن طريق استخدام افضل المكانس النفاسه للخزان ويتم وضع احسن المواد المطهره لهذه المكانس حتى يتم تطهير الخزانات بالمدينة المنورة من البكتريا تطهير الخزانات بالمدينة المنورة كذلك يوجد نوعين من الخزانات خزانات كبيره ذات فتحه كبيره تمكن العامل
    شركة تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة
    من الدخول داخل الخزان وتطهيير الخزان بالمدينة المنورة من الداخل وتنظيف الخزان وازاله البكتريا عنه النوع الاخر من الخزانات خزانات صغيرة الحجم يتم توجيه خرطوم مياه ذات قوة دفع عاليه جدا تمكن من تنظيف الخزان بالمدينة المنورة كاملا. تعد شركة تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة من افضل الشركات الموجودة بالمدينة المنورة حيث تقوم بتنظيف مثالى للخزانات باستخدام احدث الآلات وافضل مواد التنظيف المستوردة و المصرح بها و التى لا تؤثر على الصحة كما تقوم تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة بتنظيف جميع انواع الخزانات العلوية و الارضية الخراسانية و الفيبر و الاعتماد على افضل فريق عمل لتنظيف خزانات كما تقدم الشركة خدماتها بجميع محافظات المدينة المنورة مثل خيبر و مهد الذهب و العلا و تمتد لتشمل باقى المناطق المجاورةعزيزي العميل احرص على تنظيف خزانك بانتظام كل فترة للتأكد من سلامة المياه التى تستعملها
    تنظيف خزانات بالمدينه المنوره
    حيث ان معظم الامراض تحدث نتيجة المياه الملوثة لذلك يجب الاستعانة بشركة تنظيف خزانات مضمونة مثل شركة تنظيف خزانات التى تقوم بتنظيف الخزانات الجديدة و المستعملة طبقا للائحة الاشتراطات الصحية كما تقدم الشركات خدمات اخرى باسعار تناسب جميع الطبقات اتصل الآن و حافظ على صحتك و صحة اسرتك

  • Reply
    S, x
    12th October 2016 at 12:49 pm

    After recently experiencing a traumatic bereavement, I can relate to those last few paragraphs so so much. I keep willing myself to be my old self again and be positive but some days its really difficult just to get dressed. I think we could both do with being a little bit kinder to ourselves xxx
    Sophie Cliff

  • Reply
    There's always time for tea
    12th October 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Beautiful post lovely xx

  • Reply
    Morgana
    13th October 2016 at 10:10 am

    Such a lovely catch up post Charlotte. Look after yourself and just be present and enjoy all those beautifully ordinary moments with your family xxx

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