I feel like I am struggling to write anything on here recently. It feels like I’ve neglected my little space on the internet. But I am, in truth, finding it hard to know what to write about, and finding it hard to find the energy too.
There’s a lot going on in our lives at the moment. One minute, I’m dropping Bill off at my mum’s house at 7:20am, and the next I’m knee-deep in work, or picking out bathrooms, or emailing our builder.
So I thought, instead of forcing a post out like a post-labour poo, I would just write about what’s been happening, how I am, and just, life.
Our building work, which is a huge focus of mine right now, has actually been brought forward to the end of August, which is only a couple of weeks away. I don’t really know how I feel. Excited obviously. But I’m really nervous too. Next-door is having almost identical work done and our road is already taken up with vans and vehicles, and I’m worried our other neighbours will hate us at this rate, when double the workmen turn up.
I’m also nervous about getting a little bit stressy. Because getting a little bit stressy is what I am really good at. I hope I don’t panic at the mess, the dust, and the rubble, but, knowing me, I will probably spend the next couple of months chasing dirt around the house with a duster.
We might have to move out to my parents’ house for a little while, just because the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom work might make things a little awkward to live in. Mark and I would be fine to stay I think, but it’s not fair on Bill. So we’ll probably be cramping Granny and Po’s style for a bit.
I think I will also feel strange because, really, when these rooms are complete, we’ll almost be done. We’re planning on doing our bedroom and Bill’s by Christmas. And then it’s just the hallway and stairs, which have never been sexy areas to do-up anyway.
Then what? It occurs to me that I love planning changes to our home, it’s quite the hobby. I think I’ll miss it, but then maybe I’ll be cooking up a storm in our new kitchen, or having a soak in our bath, and I won’t really mind so much.
We’re also going away on holiday soon. The very holiday we booked on Boxing Day last year. And it has felt almost like we’ve been counting down to the birth of a baby – it has been nine months after all. I’m really excited to shed my skin and refresh. That’s what holidays feel like to me. Like I’m able to use the sea and sand to wash and scrub away life’s woes and just relax. I’m hoping (maybe I’m delusional) that a three year-old holiday companion will be easier than last year’s two year-old companion. But we’ll see.
It’s strange, looking back, that our last holiday was the holiday when Mark asked if he could move in with us. And now, well, we’re a family. It’s only been a year, but it feels like I’ve known Mark all of my life. One day, we’ll have another member of our family, one that isn’t a cat. And maybe we’ll even have two. And I’m really excited to see that happen.
One weird thing that happened today, was seeing my face staring back at me within the pages of The Sun newspaper. Sure, I trained as a journalist, but I never expected to see myself in a national newspaper because the YouTube channel I am a part of has been invested in by ITV.
When I started this blog, and subsequently my YouTube channel, I didn’t really think it would amount to much. Because I have never felt that I amounted to much. But I actually feel very proud right now. When motherhood leads people to judge and discriminate mothers, I’m actually feeling bold in the fact that I can stick up the proverbial two fingers and say – mums can be whatever they want to be, and whatever that is, they can be proud of that. The longer I spend as a mother, the more angry I become at the way that women are made to feel, because they have children. I will never understand why the strongest group of people I know are given the weakest label.
Look at me. Best get off that pedestal now.
I’m in a funny mood.
I think I feel funny because, August, for me, always signifies the end of the brightness of Summer, and then the quick countdown to Christmas and the end of another year. Is it just me? Maybe. But that’s what happens to my mind. I’ll happily entertain Christmas songs in September. Because it excites me. I love that festive countdown. But, at the same time, it feels strange.
Why? 2014 was a very hard year. I struggled. And I found my way through the hardest time in my life. If you’d have told me what 2015 would be like, I’d have laughed in your face and then spent the following half-hour pinching myself, waiting to wake up. This year has been the year we became a true family I think. It was the year we made plans. And we actually ticked things off. We’ve been planning our future. Do you know how nice it is to plan a future that you never thought would be possible? It’s scarily brilliant. Like when nervous laughter takes over. And you can’t stop laughing in giddy anticipation.