Blog William James

The Last To Say Happy Birthday

All week I had been looking so positively upon tomorrow. How could I not? It’s my son’s third birthday. It’s your third birthday Bill. Are you excited? I hope you are. I hope you are having the happiest dreams tonight. 

I put you to bed last night and as Mark and I were kissing you goodnight, I felt my eyes beginning to well-up and my heart stung. Why does your heart sting? It’s the most painful feeling I can think of. It was the last time I would put my two year-old to bed. 
Every single night we come in and check on you before we go to sleep. You’re always flushed, a sweaty forehead, hair in gentle spikes all over your head, and every toy, every animal, every stuffed teddy is banished apart from good, old Teddy. Who you clutch even in your sleep. 
You look so beautiful and so perfect. And it’s the only time, these days, that I can just watch you, without my eyes growing tired at the pace with which you move. You’re such a a whir of colour. Such a vibrant, fast-paced little man. My son. My sunshine.
This morning I woke up extra early. No one else was awake. And I packed up your things. I got your animals ready for you. I laid out an outfit for today, and tucked an outfit, your birthday outfit, in your bag. And I tried to get as ready as I could, half a face of make-up done, before I woke you. Mark joined me. He was about to shower and didn’t want to miss saying goodbye.
I had to get you dressed, like I do every week. And I had to be a smiley and jolly mummy. When really I was being a little bit brave, as you’d say. 
Because today I said goodbye to you. And you were two. And when you come back tomorrow, you’ll be three.
At 12:22pm, I won’t be able to hold you. I won’t be able to do anything. It will just be another minute of everyone else’s day, but a really special minute of mine.
At 12:22pm, on Tuesday the 12th June 2012, you were born. 
At 12:22pm, on Tuesday the 12th June 2012, you made me a mother.
Pain like I had never felt. Followed by love that I could never have imagined. 
I know that, when you add tomorrow to a list of all the days we’ll share in our lifetime, it will not be the most important. I know that we will share so much more.
And I wanted to tell you something happy. I wanted to so badly. But in truth I can only tell you how much I love you. 
I went out tonight Bill. To a cinema. You won’t know what they are. But I wondered, as I sat there in the dark, with popcorn on my knee, if you might like to go one day. I thought back to the first time I went to the cinema – or at least the first time I remember – I think it was Pocahontas. And I wondered if, at three, you might like to go. I wondered what you would think. How you’d react. 
And I had a really nice time. I laughed. I bopped in my seat to music. And I looked across and smiled at Mark every five minutes or so, because he makes me so happy too. Especially happy when he comes and sees girly films with me. 
And we got home, and we fed the cats. And we pottered about. And he went up to bed. And I was reluctant. I was unsettled. I kissed him goodnight. And I stayed here.
I rearranged the presents we’d collected for you. I tried so hard to think of what you’d love. So did Mark. We’ve really tried.
I made a neat little pile for you. I updated my Lightbox to spell out ‘Bill’s 3rd Birthday’. Though it’s missing an apostrophe, which annoys me. You’ll probably know that about me by now – stickler for grammar.
And I pushed myself back towards the sofa. Tucked my knees up. 
And I cried.
I want so desperate to be the first person to wish you happy birthday. 
And this is just so hard.
I want to be the one to wake you. To kiss you. And cuddle you. Tickle you and hear that musical laugh. And sing happy birthday. 
I want to see you fluffy, morning cockatoo hair. And have you tell me that the sun is hurting your eyes, as I open your curtains, like you always do. As though you’re some mini vampire. I want to swirl you around. And tell you how special you are.
On the day that you were born. I was the first. 
I was the first to hold you. Putting my hands on your skin and feeling you move, instead of on my own stretched skin. Meeting the person I felt like I knew. 
I loved you before I knew you. 
I loved you first. 
I may not be the first to wish you happy birthday. And I may not be the first to hold you close. 
But I will settle for last. 
Happy birthday little boy. 
I love you.

You Might Also Like...

10 Comments

  • Reply
    Amber Allen
    11th June 2015 at 9:47 pm

    Beautiful, Charlotte, and so sad. I'm so sorry that you won't be the first to wish your little boy a happy birthday. x

  • Reply
    N
    11th June 2015 at 10:06 pm

    There's no doubt about how much you love that little boy! What a lovely mama you are, he must feel so cherished. Hope Bill has a lovely birthday x

  • Reply
    Tanita Taylor
    11th June 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Charlotte! Every time I read a post of yours you bring me to tears! God I can just imagine you on your sofa missing your boy so terribly much. It must be so very hard. You are just an amazing writer with every word you manage to evoke such strong emotions in myself which through your experiences as a mother I relate to sooooooo much. It's beautiful really to be able to read your posts and to feel so much of what you go through. Bill is an incredibly lucky little boy as you are being his mum. P.s. His birth numbers …. I mean wow all 2's… X

  • Reply
    julia Pa
    12th June 2015 at 12:10 am

    This made me emotional You write so incredibly beautifully. Bill will feel every word when he reads back in future. Every word written with love x

  • Reply
    LyndseyJ
    12th June 2015 at 8:23 am

    So beautiful as always. Charlotte no matter what day it is Bill knows you love him more than anyone and always will do. I am sure he will come home excited to see you and Mark, anyway birthday evenings are the best.
    xxx
    Lyndsey
    http://www.labeau.co.uk

  • Reply
    Laura CYMFT
    12th June 2015 at 10:53 am

    Aww this is such a lovely post. I'm sure Bill knows just how much you love him. It's times like this when you do feel guilty about having to work and missing out on these things but like you said, you will share so many more amazing days and memories together.

  • Reply
    stylestyle2010
    13th June 2015 at 9:26 pm

    So beautifully written. I have followed you on instagram and you tube for a while but don't often get time to read blogs with a 2 year old and have just found your blog and some time to read whilst little one sleeps. 2 out of 3 posts I have read tonight have moved me to tears. Your son is one very lucky little boy to have a mama who loves him as much as you do. I hope you had a lovely time when he came back home and that he loved all his presents x

  • Reply
    Donna Wishart
    17th June 2015 at 9:49 pm

    This is such a beautiful post. It must be so hard but he knows how much you love him. I doubt it will ever get easier but I am sure he had wonderful birthday celebrations with you and his Dad. Sending love x

  • Reply
    Britt
    25th June 2015 at 9:34 pm

    Wow… I have been brought to tears. I wrote such a similar post as you that someone had reached out to me sending me your blog link so that we could possibly connect. I share your pain Mama <3 read this- it will lift your spirits. Let's stay friends.

    http://www.mommyneedsfriends.com/part-time-mom

    XO.

  • Reply
    Unknown
    29th September 2015 at 2:43 am

    Wow that made me cry, as a mother it's hard to stand in the back ground of our child's life. My son is 15 now and has a girlfriend. She now the most important person in his world. I sit here and think how I miss tucking him in, watching TV with him. Seeing him smile and say I love you. He posted a picture the other day of a romantic set up he had done for his girlfriend pizza and candles. I was so proud of him for being a gentleman but it broke my heart because he grown now and my job is nearly done. Remember every moment you have with William because they will always be with you xxx

  • Leave a Reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.