A Mother’s Voice #1

So this is me, putting myself out there, but I’d like to start a small blog series called A Mother’s Voice. I want to hear a memory or an experience from mums just like me. I want to capture how it really feels to be a mummy and share the experiences and appreciate what it’s really like to call a child your own. 

I’d love to hear from you, whether you blog or not, so if you would like to be featured in A Mother’s Voice, please get in touch and email at [email protected] or tweet me at @CharlTaylor. I hope to hear from you! 

Here’s my offering – the special moment you keep as your child sleeps.

Sometimes, I watch you sleeping. I can hear the hum of the life downstairs, I can feel the dog watching me, watching you, in the darkness. I think I forget that I’m still his mummy too. In a strange way. But he likes to sit with us all the same, his eyes glow in the dark and I hear his tail gently brush the carpet as I pat the floor for him to sit beside me.

I don’t know if you know if I’m there. Leaning against the bars of your cot, like I did as a small girl at the zoo, staring with wonder. Sometimes, I nervously reach for your tiny hand, scared to wake you from your peaceful sleep, but too addicted to being around you to stop myself. If I’m lucky, you’ll curl each pink finger around mine and hold on. When I’m old and grey and your hands are bigger than mine, I will think back to how special it feels to be held, when my, no-doubt awkward, son will find his soppy mother fondly amusing should she ever ask to hold his hand again.

When you sleep, I see you as a baby again. You are still a baby of course, but sometimes, when you crawl away from me in chase of the dog, or you pull yourself up on my leg, I see a little boy instead. A little boy with a wicked smile and those eyes that smile along with it. But asleep, your eyelashes lie softly on your cheeks, which are flushed pink from growing up. Asleep, your lips pucker and suckle like a tiny newborn – a hint to what your dreams are about.

Sometimes you sigh. I wonder what may have exasperated you so and it makes me smile to find you are full of personality even asleep. Sometimes you smile. Even laugh. It jolts me for a minute, and my hopes are suddenly raised in the thought that you may wake up and join me again, even though I know you should be asleep.

The sweet rise and fall of your tiny chest becomes on obsession, while one eye explores your sleeping beauty, the other will always keep a peripheral view of that in and out. Up and down. I don’t ever want anything to happen to you. I don’t ever want you to leave me.

I fall into a daze, just watching. Running my hand through the dog’s fur as he dozes beside me, and holding your hand through the bars that are beginning to dig into my arm. I know I should go. I should go downstairs. I should eat. I should curl up with my feet on your father’s lap and talk to him about my day, my hopes, my fears.

I uncurl my stiff legs from beneath me. I use every bit of control to steady my usually clumsy self. I shh the dog. I stroke your soft head and stand on my tiptoes so that I can bend down and kiss you goodnight. 

One last check for the rise and fall.

I close the door.

Sleep tight baby boy. I love you.

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  • Reply
    lucy at dear beautiful
    8th February 2013 at 4:26 pm

    What an absolutely beautiful post. I'm completely addicted to my children too and just can't resist any opportunity to watch them sleeping, so peaceful and perfect.


    • Reply
      Charlotte Louise Taylor
      11th February 2013 at 11:41 pm

      It's wonderful isn't it? I feel like I could sit there for an eternity – that is, until the pins and needles get unbearable! xx

  • Reply
    Rachel Smith
    8th February 2013 at 4:29 pm

    This is a gorgeous post xx

  • Reply
    8th February 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Beautiful post – children are so precious, I can't resist hopping into bed with my older boy when he's fast asleep for a cuddle before I go to bed, I'm dreading the day he won't let me anymore!x

    • Reply
      Charlotte Louise Taylor
      11th February 2013 at 11:42 pm

      I can't wait have cuddles as he gets older. He cot would definitely break if I hopped in! How are you and the boys doing? xx

  • Reply
    Helen - sittinginthekitchensink
    8th February 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Gorgeous words. I love watching my little one sleep too. Even better if she's asleep on my chest and I can listen to her little sighs, and feel her breath on my neck. Awwww x

    • Reply
      Helen - sittinginthekitchensink
      8th February 2013 at 9:16 pm

      Meant to add – would love to take part in your blog series – will try and email you this weekend.

    • Reply
      Charlotte Louise Taylor
      11th February 2013 at 11:43 pm

      Hi Helen! Please do! I think, if I remember correctly, that I emailed you this weekend? Nudge me if I didn't. Would love to have you! xx

  • Reply
    Gemma Mills (mymillsbaby)
    10th February 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Awww what a gorgeous picture! He looks so peaceful.

    • Reply
      Charlotte Louise Taylor
      11th February 2013 at 11:43 pm

      Thank you Gemma. I think 'peaceful' sums up a sleeping baby perfectly. 🙂 xx

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