Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dear William - 19 Months



Dear Billy,

I almost didn't write you this letter. Because I wasn't sure what to say.

Every letter, in the weeks and months that I've been your mother, has come easily to me. I just know what to say. I have little memories saved to share. I have milestones to update you on, so you can look back and compare with your own children when you are grown.

But this letter is one that brings a lump to my throat, because I don't have any good news. I don't even  have proper answers or explanations.

The fact of the matter is, I could only give you a family, with a mummy and a daddy, for 18 and-a-half months of your life.

I know that, right now, you are too little, too forgiving, too wild and free to understand or mind. And for that I'm thankful. I hope that, when you ever read this, you won't look at me, or look at your dad, and blame us.

I still feel like I've robbed you of something. I still feel like I've taken what was rightfully yours. In the first time, since I've had the pleasure of being your mother, I had to make a selfish decision. One that wasn't about you, but about me. And your dad. And all of our future happiness, rolled into one.

I don't know what is around the corner for us. I know things will be hard, but I'll never let you see that. I know that you'll be happy and loved and that's all that matters.

All that matters.

I can't write this without explaining to you how wonderful you are. You're a toddler now. A little boy. Not a shred of babyishness about you. Your cries are full of frustration and emotion these days. Every little thing is felt. You have ten teeth. Still slow, but you are coping with them better than usual. You can run. You try and jump, but you aren't physically able to yet. You spin around in circles - as you haven't developed the ability to feel dizzy yet. You can talk well and happily interact with us all now. You surprise me every day.

I love you so much. And I'm sorry.

Mama. xx
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7 comments

  1. Oh, Charlotte. It might feel like a selfish decision but what's best for you works out being best for William too - take it from me, no child should have to grow up in a home where their parents stay together through a sense of duty. Children know and it's not healthy for you or for them - it's so much better for all of you to do things this way, and you're teaching William to value his own happiness in relationships when he's older. Please don't feel like you've failed him in any way!
    I hope you're doing okay, lovely.

    Jess xo

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  2. A beautiful letter Charlotte. I really don't feel like you need to apologies or explain yourself to William, the fact you are worrying about it so much shows what an amazing mum you are, he will never feel short changed in that xxx

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  3. Oh Charlotte - the tears are flowing at this post. From what I've read of your blog, it seems that William's father is an excellent dad. That's not going to change - whatever house he lives in. His daddy is always his daddy.

    Be kind to yourself - this must have been such a hard decision and clearly not one taken lightly.

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  4. William will still have a lovely Mummy and Daddy, just not at the same time. Wishing you all good luck for whatever happens next x

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  5. Beautiful letter, that's a wonderful thing to do. I hope the lives of all three of you work out well.

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  6. Don't be sorry, you may feel bad now but it is obviously a decision you both haven't taken lightly and will probably be better for you all in the future. Better to have 2 happy parents than 2 unhappy ones. Wishing you well, sounds like you need a big squeeze xx

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Thank you if you are one of those charming folk who take the time to comment. I really do appreciate you. Have some gin. :)

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