Write Like No One's Watching: Finally over the guilt

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Finally over the guilt

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that I'm one guilty mum. I feel bad about everything when it comes to motherhood, from not having the energy to play all the time, to resorting to a easy meal of beans on toast for tea, or for relishing bedtime. 

But, most of all, I'd feel guilty about working.

I can't really fully remember my maternity leave anymore. I have little moments that I can recall - like the time I fell asleep watching Formula 1, cuddling Max, and William did the longest nap of his tiny life and I just felt so peaceful and happy. Or the time William and I went to the pub and enjoyed drinks in the sunshine with my mum, brother and grandparents. 

It was eight weeks. And the older William gets, the shorter eight weeks feels. 

I don't know if any other parents do this, but, with every season, I find myself looking back to the one the year before. "This time last year he was only six months..." 

This time last year I think I was on the cusp of depression. 

That's a hard thing to write. 

I was struggling without my baby. I was struggling not to feel frustrated at having to fit in work around expressing twice a day. I was desperately unhappy. So much so that, when Christmas rolled around, I felt such an intense relief that I realised that I needed a change.

You see, I've realised that I do enjoy being a working mother. 

It's not that I don't miss my baby and want to be with him all the time. But I enjoy having time for myself. I enjoy using my skills. I enjoy making things happen. Meeting new people. Changing things. 

I just needed to find a place where I could do that and be happy.

Early this year, I decided I wanted to make a big leap and change jobs. I was fussy. I waited. But the dream job came along and I've been here for six months now. 

Last week, on the day of our Christmas party, I found myself looking around the office and grinning. I love these people. They have changed my life. They don't really know that. But they have. 

I still feel sad when I kiss my baby boy goodbye, but I get on that train to work with my train buddy, Mica, and I smile as we chat away. I love fumbling in my coat pocket for my office keys and wondering if I'll be the first in or not today. I love that my job pushes me. I love that it helps me make a difference. I love that my colleagues all have big hearts and hilarious personalities.

I had the best time on that night out. My first night out in a whole year - the last time being the last Christmas party I attended. I laughed. I definitely drank too much. And I may have almost fallen over a few times. I thought of William at 7:30pm rolled around, his bedtime. I woke up early, the body clock of a mother will fight any hangover. 

But I didn't feel guilty. 

In the past few months I've realised that I don't need to apologise anymore.

And that sometimes, change is a good thing. 

And that hangovers and motherhood don't go very well, but they are worth it for a good night out with friends.

My selfies really come into their own when I'm drunk. 

5 comments:

  1. AMAZING post Charlotte. So much love for you - so proud of everything you've done xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're an amazing Mum and an absolute pleasure to work with, you're one of the reasons I enjoy coming in to work everyday. I have so much love for you.

    Your favourite Christmas-named admirer.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are doing an amazing job as a mother and William will get such a strong work ethic from you, Glad you have found what makes you happy x

    ReplyDelete
  4. High five, lady! i know exactly how you feel here and just want to squish you! on the guilty days i tell myself ''my bois are happy, healthy, watered and fed and know that you have to work to get somewhere" xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. So worth it! The fact that you ever feel guilty shows what a great mum you are, there is no need.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you if you are one of those lovely people who take the time to comment. I really do appreciate you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...